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November 16, 2009 10:01 AM- just say no to future thinking
The question of the day is, how fast can I type?
Another beautiful day here, a day I am cherishing for its warmth and color and oh hell, for its
NOT novemberishness-self. Things are feeling just so good and I am savoring it deeply.
By contrast, last July I had a dark night of the soul that lasted about, um-- ten days and
ever since emerging from it, I still have that quick gasp of breath every now and again that
reminds me-- oh my god, I feel good. I feel good. I'm no longer in the grip of that hell.
And just what is that hell? Different for each of us, no doubt-- and depending where I am
on the spiral, it may manifest in any manner of painful contraction. For me, last summer was
being caught in an unrelenting undertow of future thinking. Now I know that sounds both
weird and contradictory, but it's not-- at least not to me.
What was going on for me, what mired me into those miserable ten days where the first
three I'm thinking, oh, I don't feel well-- I must be coming down with the flu and then the
next three oh-- it wasn't the flu I must be hormonal and then the next three, nope-- not
hormonal, could this be anxiety? Ding. Ding. Ding. And what do we have for the winner,
Johnny?
There it was: another bout with my friend anxiety. Lucky, lucky OH SO lucky for me, I had
two visitors arrive on the very day I was planning to separate my head from its neck parts
and pitch it off the roof. Jecca has long
been an angel in my life, never more so than when she rolled up the hill last summer and
quickly helped me identify what was going on with me: future thinking.
Perhaps this is not the technical term, but it's what I call it. You see, I have a very active
inner project manager. She is Miss Detail, Miss Get'er Done, Miss Listmaker. What I didn't
realize is that time doesn't funtion the way we think it does--- and all of my thinking about
the many (many<--! oh god so many!) projects ahead of me caused my inner project
manager to have a conniption. She can't tell the difference between something that needs
to be done today and something that might be done eighteen months from now. In her
world, there is only the present moment. And so, all these thoughts of all these projects
were unbearable to her because of course no one could get all that done in a single day.
Hmm, I don't know that I am explaining this very well to you, but once I got it, really got it, I
shifted gears in a big way. I let go of this need to be driving all the time, and stretched
back into letting things evolve more organically with an occasional toe poke from me to keep
it on course.
I stopped thinking about anything but what was in my day. And holy hell, if the world didn't
just shift and open and spread out like a giant daybed loaded with velvet pillows.
But, I have failed in my speed typing mission because I have a conference call starting up
and must get off this post-- but chances are I will come back to this subject as I have only
barely scratched the surface.
Meantime, some photos of the silly kids.
They are sitting and waiting while I go to the mailbox because I don't let them near the road
and then when I give them a whistle, they are allowed to rejoin me as we head home.
Bisous, E
got 2 cents?
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lizardek says: First, I love that photo of Daisy in the water, still dry on top. Does she go under? Second, I don't know if I've told you that Karin has the 3 Brombie photos that you sent me framed and up in her room. :) Third, excellent advice about not worrying too much about all that future planning. I've found that I tend to live in the future, thinking about deadlines due a month ahead, and suddenly the year has disappeared and it's Christmas again. SIGH. posted on: November 16
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pix says: i can so relate to this. and i only just realized that my anxiety leads me into o.c. reations where i feel crazy if everything isn't orderly. f*cking pathology!
here. now. better.
p.s. you're back!!!!!!!! i'll never lurk again. i want you to be sure you know how much i love your words! posted on: November 16
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Bethany says: I so hope you come back to that topic... particularly how you managed to calm down your IPM (inner project manager, of course) long enough to resurface. It's that jump from getting a concept to GETTING it that always... well, gets me. I'm awfully glad that you didn't separate your head from its neck parts after all. posted on: November 17
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Steph says: "I stopped thinking about anything but what was in my day."
Is that part of the trick? 'Cause my inner project manager (or IPM, as Bethany put it so well) drives me crazy sometimes!
I hope you do share more insights on this; it's great to know that I'm not alone in my detail-oriented, list-making, project planning ways. :) posted on: November 17
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Megsie says: Oh, I missed a couple of days because I was depending on my RSS....and it lied! I have so missed your photos. They are so beautiful. And the puppies, I kiss them from afar. My whole IMP is usually on hold until a DEADLINE looms. Then all the alarms screech and a fire is alighted underneath my ass. posted on: November 17
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Michelle Shopped says: next dog i get will be highly trainable (maybe) -- one of the first things the vet told me about my pup, joe (now 16) -- he's not highly trainable but he's got a lot of love -- so right -- at least i've known where to find joe when he has gotten loose -- the nearest dumpster... posted on: November 22
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